Getting Up

In my everyday life, outside of online communities and BDSM, i am a high performing professional. i have taken a break from work to raise my children, but that doesn’t change the fact that i have the brain of an accountant. Over the last 6 years, i worked for a company that stressed appearances- one had to look and behave just so, or else. So i found myself kind of scrambling. Make the boss happy, climb the ladder, wear more makeup, network, don’t say the wrong thing, don’t sound stupid. It put a damper on my personality. i started shutting up, i stopped making jokes. i began to worry about the impression that i made on my clients and coworkers to the point where i felt more robot than person. It prevented me from making connections in my personal life, made me a doormat in the work place, and restricted my self confidence. So here i am, i dont have to worry about the work place stress for now, but i catch myself feeling the way i felt at work. Inhibited, restricted and boring. i feel territorial, like if someone else does something i might miss out, but i forget this isnt a business, there aren’t promotions. i feel cripplingly shy, small, and insecure, putting myself on mute, or having short and stunted conversations where i question everything i say, and secretly pray people don’t think i am stupid. i had an angel on my shoulder, whispering in my ear that i was doing ok, not to listen to my insecurities, and now that angel is gone. So i am typing this and hoping that by admitting how much i fear vulnerability and openness and judgement that somehow i can push past it and create deeper connections, and be better at talking, and uncurl myself a little bit.

As my favorite poet David Whyte wrote:

David Whyte,
Where Many Rivers Meet

Get up from your bed,
go out from your house,
follow the path you know so well,
so well that you now see nothing
and hear nothing
unless something can cry loudly to you,
and for you it seems
even then
no cry is louder than yours
and in your own darkness
cries have gone unheard
as long as you can remember.

These are hard paths we tread
but they are green and lined with leaf mould
and we must love their contours
as we love the body branching
with its veins and tunnels of dark earth.

I know that sometimes
your body is hard like a stone
on a path that storms break over,
embedded deeply
into that something that you think is you,
and you will not move
while the voice all around tears the air
and fills the sky with jagged light.

But sometimes unawares
those sounds seem to descend
as if kneeling down into you
and you listen strangely caught
as the terrible voice moving closer
and in the silence
now arriving

Get up, I depend
on you utterly.
Everything you need
you had
the moment before
you were born.

i can’t find a better way of expressing the lost way i feel sometimes. These are hard paths we tread. Sometimes they are dark and winding, and sometimes those paths open up to beautiful, frolicking meadows. But either path has its version of beauty. So here’s to blossoming once again, putting myself out there and building connections, allowing myself to speak even if it really does sound stupid. i am a silly girl, i own that, but silly is more fun anyway.

6 Comments on “Getting Up

  1. You are right not to listen to the doubts slars. Be yourself as authenticity is always attractive. Don’t worry about fitting in as I am sure that you will find people who love you for who you are.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. In deed… Live and let live, they say, but the world is seizing all that’s there in from us so we could survive another day with a full purse. A life of dictation, that maketh sheeps upon yielding, and beasts, for deviance

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I feel this way so often. I can’t pinpoint what made me draw my sparkle in under the umbrella of “acceptable”, but I know I don’t sparkle like I did. Exploring my vulnerability has left me feeling exposed and open to ridicule I normally protect myself from. I hope you know you can be you with me. I feel like I can be me with you. You be a glittle and I will sparkle. Hugs friend.

    Liked by 1 person

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