In my everyday life, outside of online communities and BDSM, i am a high performing professional. i have taken a break from work to raise my children, but that doesn’t change the fact that i have the brain of an accountant. Over the last 6 years, i worked for a company that stressed appearances- one had to look and behave just so, or else. So i found myself kind of scrambling. Make the boss happy, climb the ladder, wear more makeup, network, don’t say the wrong thing, don’t sound stupid. It put a damper on my personality. i started shutting up, i stopped making jokes. i began to worry about the impression that i made on my clients and coworkers to the point where i felt more robot than person. It prevented me from making connections in my personal life, made me a doormat in the work place, and restricted my self confidence. So here i am, i dont have to worry about the work place stress for now, but i catch myself feeling the way i felt at work. Inhibited, restricted and boring. i feel territorial, like if someone else does something i might miss out, but i forget this isnt a business, there aren’t promotions. i feel cripplingly shy, small, and insecure, putting myself on mute, or having short and stunted conversations where i question everything i say, and secretly pray people don’t think i am stupid. i had an angel on my shoulder, whispering in my ear that i was doing ok, not to listen to my insecurities, and now that angel is gone. So i am typing this and hoping that by admitting how much i fear vulnerability and openness and judgement that somehow i can push past it and create deeper connections, and be better at talking, and uncurl myself a little bit.
As my favorite poet David Whyte wrote:
i can’t find a better way of expressing the lost way i feel sometimes. These are hard paths we tread. Sometimes they are dark and winding, and sometimes those paths open up to beautiful, frolicking meadows. But either path has its version of beauty. So here’s to blossoming once again, putting myself out there and building connections, allowing myself to speak even if it really does sound stupid. i am a silly girl, i own that, but silly is more fun anyway.