When we first joined online communities for BDSM lifestyles, we were excited. Excited to the point that we both had a bit of frenzy. So many people talked about so many things, and we wanted to try it all. We have made many friends over the years who have felt the same way. And frenzy is no joke- it can really get people emotionally and physically hurt. When you are new to the lifestyle, and testing the waters, it can be easy to confide in people who portray an “expert” role. But we have learned that the people who appear to have conquered BDSM and become experts are really the people you need to watch out for. You may come across highly confident individuals who claim to have tried everything. They may state their experience in decades, and manipulate their way into your lives. They will “mentor” you, claiming that there is only one way- their way- and state that anyone else living any other way is fake. These are dangerous waters.
It is SO important to keep in mind that when you go online, you can be anyone. Just because someone says they have been in the lifestyle for 20 years, it does not mean it is true. And we would say to take everything with a grain of salt, but we have seen too many people get injured, and have their relationships destroyed, because of the influence of an expert. You can’t trust anyone, not right off the bat. If you have been given advice by anyone, including those claiming to be experts, get a second, third, even fourth opinion.
Here are some examples of the “expert advice” we have observed over the years:
It is encouraged to add oils to melted wax during wax play.
This is a terrible idea. One, any person in the medical industry knows that oil and burns make burns worse. The context of this advice was explaining wax play to a newbie. The person sharing this advice claimed to have been given it by a wax expert. The general consensus on wax play is to use pure soy or paraffin wax. For a novice just testing things out, it is especially important to triple check your research and advice received! Advanced players might play with oils, but generally they use them on the body, not in the wax, as a means of easier removal of cooled, hardened wax.
You don’t need a safeword, and can rely on your partner to just know when you’re at your limit.
This is NOT okay. We have decided as a couple that our safewords are reserved only for the most extreme situations, but that is because we communicate with each other during scenes! Some subs say they can’t speak when they are in subspace. But they still have safewords, or at the very least hand signals. It is not the norm for kinksters to not have safewords, and is dangerous for new people to expect their partners to read their minds. The more experienced players might not use safewords, but that is an extreme dynamic, and is not typical, especially with new people.
There is no such thing as an expert. It is one thing to go to a class, or workshop, to learn how to flog, or crack a whip. It is another thing to be told by a total stranger on the internet how to do things. There is no one right way to practice BDSM, but there are very important safety issues to keep in mind. Always triple check the information people give you. Always keep your eyes open and remember that not everyone is what they claim to be. Always use your best judgement on safety and protect your partners.
We hope you enjoyed our post about experts. Don’t forget- experts are like unicorns! They don’t exist.
This post was originally written for The SafeworD/s Club