Today i am writing about something that is really close to my heart. i don’t usually like associating DDLG or CGL (caregiver/little) with psychology, because things can sometimes get weirdly Freudian, but today i will allow myself down this rabbit hole.
When i meet people who are unfamiliar with the Daddy Dom/little girl dynamic, i am often asked questions like, “Do you have daddy issues?”, “How do you differentiate between your father, and your partner?”, and “Did you have an unhappy childhood?”. And i can see how those questions stem from a curiosity of whether or not i am so screwed up that i think my husband is my father, and need him to parent me as such. But that really is not the case. (And i challenge you, if you don’t know much about the dynamic, to be careful how you word your questions, because yes, they can be offensive if you automatically assume the mental well being of the person you are questioning).
When Lars and i began our formal kinky journey, it began solely as a DDlg dynamic. We slowly realized that we wanted to incorporate D/s. And during a lot of that, i was on a personal journey of discovery in other parts of my life. Because to answer those questions, in some ways i do have daddy issues, and i definitely had an unhappy childhood. As an infant i was placed for adoption. My whole life i struggled with this fact. A lot of my friends, and all of my adoptive family could not understand why i struggled so much with it. Being a mother myself now, i am only beginning to be able to understand all of the trauma associated. But during this time in our marriage where we were trying new things, Lars really had His hands full. i had recently found my birth family, and it was a very ugly situation. My adoptive family did not support my search, and my birth family did not want anything to do with me. My half sister was very pleased to meet me, and we got quite close, but she did not have any information about my adoption or the circumstances of my birth, and died shortly after meeting me. The door slammed in my face, and my biological family has not spoken to me since. The woman who adopted me is a selfish narcissist that abused and neglected me my entire life. My adoptive father packed up and left when i was 2, and we have never built a relationship. In some ways i feel like a random tree in a field, that i floated off the grid, planted myself, and burrowed my own roots. But there is a lot of trauma stemming from those broken relationships. The relationships will likely never be recovered, and therefore the trauma is mine to resolve.
This is where re-parenting comes in- and is hopefully an explanation of why DDlg works so well for me. Re-parenting is a form of psychotherapy. It is controversial at best, and does not have a lot of evidence showing that it works. But i think that the term applies to my dynamic with Lars because in general, His leadership and guidance help heal some of the trauma associated with my childhood. i want to be clear that my kinks do not have anything to do with my parents, and my sexuality does not stem from my trauma. i am more referring to the nurturing, the structure, and the stability that Lars provides. i think the idea of re-parenting is accurate for me, because fundamentally a caregiver is a caregiver, whether it is as a parent, or a helper, or a kinky situation. A caregiver provides care. It is what it is. As a child, my mother didn’t know how to play with me. She didn’t know how to laugh, or joke, or have empathy. She still doesn’t. Lars gives me the opportunity to feel young. To play, to be carefree, to be silly. As a child, those things were not permitted. The older i get, the more i realize that life is too fucking short to not play, laugh, and enjoy things. The stony coldness i feel from my families is not normal, or healthy. Playing, laughing, smiling, loving the people you are near- that is vital. Our dynamic facilitates that, but even before we had a label, we were this way. Lars didn’t punish me, but he threatened to. We ran naked through the apartment we lived in, wrestled on the floor. Not as foreplay. Just being playful, just enjoying our time together. Trauma has overtaken my life for a long time, and this structure that we have allows me to shed it while i can. i don’t know if i will ever totally heal from the way i was raised, but it did teach me a lot about what i don’t want for my future, for my children, and for my husband.
Ultimately DDlg has healed my heart and taught it how to play. It isn’t because i believe Lars is my parent. It isn’t incestuous. It is the innocence in me peeking it’s sweet little face around the corner, the imp in me scampering around making mischief, the cuddly angel in me curling into Lars warm body. It is all the good things, the softness and sweetness.