DDLG/CGL: Re-parenting & Trauma

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Today i am writing about something that is really close to my heart. i don’t usually like associating DDLG or CGL (caregiver/little) with psychology, because things can sometimes get weirdly Freudian, but today i will allow myself down this rabbit hole.

When i meet people who are unfamiliar with the Daddy Dom/little girl dynamic, i am often asked questions like, “Do you have daddy issues?”, “How do you differentiate between your father, and your partner?”, and “Did you have an unhappy childhood?”. And i can see how those questions stem from a curiosity of whether or not i am so screwed up that i think my husband is my father, and need him to parent me as such. But that really is not the case. (And i challenge you, if you don’t know much about the dynamic, to be careful how you word your questions, because yes, they can be offensive if you automatically assume the mental well being of the person you are questioning).

When Lars and i began our formal kinky journey, it began solely as a DDlg dynamic. We slowly realized that we wanted to incorporate D/s. And during a lot of that, i was on a personal journey of discovery in other parts of my life. Because to answer those questions, in some ways i do have daddy issues, and i definitely had an unhappy childhood. As an infant i was placed for adoption. My whole life i struggled with this fact. A lot of my friends, and all of my adoptive family could not understand why i struggled so much with it. Being a mother myself now, i am only beginning to be able to understand all of the trauma associated. But during this time in our marriage where we were trying new things, Lars really had His hands full. i had recently found my birth family, and it was a very ugly situation. My adoptive family did not support my search, and my birth family did not want anything to do with me. My half sister was very pleased to meet me, and we got quite close, but she did not have any information about my adoption or the circumstances of my birth, and died shortly after meeting me. The door slammed in my face, and my biological family has not spoken to me since. The woman who adopted me is a selfish narcissist that abused and neglected me my entire life. My adoptive father packed up and left when i was 2, and we have never built a relationship. In some ways i feel like a random tree in a field, that i floated off the grid, planted myself, and burrowed my own roots. But there is a lot of trauma stemming from those broken relationships. The relationships will likely never be recovered, and therefore the trauma is mine to resolve.

This is where re-parenting comes in- and is hopefully an explanation of why DDlg works so well for me. Re-parenting is a form of psychotherapy. It is controversial at best, and does not have a lot of evidence showing that it works. But i think that the term applies to my dynamic with Lars because in general, His leadership and guidance help heal some of the trauma associated with my childhood. i want to be clear that my kinks do not have anything to do with my parents, and my sexuality does not stem from my trauma. i am more referring to the nurturing, the structure, and the stability that Lars provides. i think the idea of re-parenting is accurate for me, because fundamentally a caregiver is a caregiver, whether it is as a parent, or a helper, or a kinky situation. A caregiver provides care. It is what it is. As a child, my mother didn’t know how to play with me. She didn’t know how to laugh, or joke, or have empathy. She still doesn’t. Lars gives me the opportunity to feel young. To play, to be carefree, to be silly. As a child, those things were not permitted. The older i get, the more i realize that life is too fucking short to not play, laugh, and enjoy things. The stony coldness i feel from my families is not normal, or healthy. Playing, laughing, smiling, loving the people you are near- that is vital. Our dynamic facilitates that, but even before we had a label, we were this way. Lars didn’t punish me, but he threatened to. We ran naked through the apartment we lived in, wrestled on the floor. Not as foreplay. Just being playful, just enjoying our time together. Trauma has overtaken my life for a long time, and this structure that we have allows me to shed it while i can. i don’t know if i will ever totally heal from the way i was raised, but it did teach me a lot about what i don’t want for my future, for my children, and for my husband.

Ultimately DDlg has healed my heart and taught it how to play. It isn’t because i believe Lars is my parent. It isn’t incestuous. It is the innocence in me peeking it’s sweet little face around the corner, the imp in me scampering around making mischief, the cuddly angel in me curling into Lars warm body. It is all the good things, the softness and sweetness.

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19 Comments on “DDLG/CGL: Re-parenting & Trauma

  1. This is a lovely and open post about something which is so personal to you. I think you are right that DD/lg is often misunderstood and hope that this will help those reading this to have a better understanding 😊

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I know all too well the trauma of narcissistic parents and a dysfunctional family tree. I’m glad you have found something to help you open up and regain your freedom!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I am so sorry to hear how hard your youth has been, but happy that you have found a dynamic that works for you and can help you to heal to an extent. Thank you for sharing so openly, and last but not least: Welcome to Wicked Wednesday!

    Rebel xox

    PS: Do you have a Twitter handle? I tweet all links and would like to credit you.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Very open post and I can relate to sooo much of what you have said about being adopted also one of my half brothers died shortly after I met him (i didnt write about that in my post as I thought there was enough going on 😉 and I notice your sister died too – I think whatever kind of relationship you CHOOSE to have as an adult with an adult is your business and if others do not like it then that is up to them…

    Liked by 2 people

    • Wow it sounds like we have quite a bit in common. Thanks for taking the time to read- your post sort of inspired it, although it wasn’t meant to be a wicked wednesday post, a friend read it and suggested i add the link! Also, it is so nice to meet you lol.

      Like

  5. People do often start talking before putting their words thru the ” wait a sec” filter. If you *do* have daddy issues that are resolved/tackled thru your relationship…so? Good for you. You needs and desires do not have to fit in a box they have labelled as proper.

    I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your half sister. I’m sure you treasure what time you did have together.

    I have often suspected the relationships that last the longest are those based on partners caring for each other, in the ways that are needed by the soul. It’s beautiful that you have found what you needed!

    Liked by 2 people

    • As always Princesse, you have left me a very thoughtful comment. Thank you.
      The loss of my sister was staggering. My whole life i wondered if i looked like my siblings. My sister and i could have been twins. Its just amazing. i miss her.

      Like

  6. This is great, Winnie. A very open and frank way to explain something that matters so much to you. I’m so happy you and Mr. Lars have this dynamic to help you heal. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Oh winnie, this brought me to tears as there’s so much I can relate to here. We were discussing re-parenting in trauma therapy just 2 days ago and how it can be possible to hold two states in mind at the same time to do this for ourselves, as it’s kind of what needs to happen, but it takes work.

    I also recognise, as you do with Lars, how C has always been a caregiver for me, although we’re not DD/lg there always has been that aspect and that in itself is healing.

    I also know how having your own children re-triggers those feelings from then too around emotionally neglectful childhoods.

    I’m so glad you’ve been able to find a wonderful to heal and keep moving forward, thank you so much for sharing x

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Pingback: Prompt #330: Heal - Wicked Wednesday

  9. Thank you for sharing this insight into you dynamic and how DDlg works for you. That is an aspect I hadn’t considered, and I am so pleased you have found your playful side.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Pingback: Body & Image #SoSS #45 - Rebel's Notes

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