a little less conversation, a little more alpha please


This week i have been a big grumpy pants. i have had so much to accomplish; cleaning, baking cakes, getting ready for my mother in law to visit, plus hosting a party for my baby’s first birthday. And to top it all off, Lars is traveling all of next week. My alpha has stomped into the picture, bringing her bags of tension and stress with her.

i keep trying to tell myself, “my alpha isn’t welcome here”, as that is what Lars usually tells me, mid paddling, when my alpha decides to come around. But He has been far too busy to deal with me, and the part of me that is the alpha just rants and raves about needing to get things done and stay in control. This mental talk is exhausting and upsetting.

So when we went to the store yesterday looking for carpet cleaning solution, and the clerk said on the phone they had it, but upon arrival they didn’t have it, and the store clerk said he would be right back but never came back, i basically had a meltdown. In the store. In front of a bunch of people. Pretty sure i yelled that i wanted to cancel my Costco membership.

The alpha is a bitch. But for some reason i am unable to fight her off when she marches in. In some ways, having an alpha side is great. It forces me to accomplish things, to focus, and to stay organized. my little side is a bit willy nilly, my alpha side keeps everything in it’s place. Including me, apparently.

It is a challenge to communicate when i feel the way i feel. In my mind i keep remembering Lars will be away, everything is up to me, i have to do it on my own, etc. It makes me resent Him, even though He isn’t doing anything wrong. It’s just my way of mentally preparing for Him to be away. i know it isn’t right. i haven’t actually struggled as hard as i am right now with the fact that he will be away in a long while. But He has been extremely busy with work this week, and i have felt quite ignored. It isn’t His fault. He can’t help it. i am the selfish one here.

i don’t enjoy this alpha crap. It’s like a cyclical argument i have with myself. Be vulnerable, no accomplish things, be sweet, be cold…. be aggressive and standoffish and rude. He doesn’t need me acting like a crazy head while He is working so hard.

alpha, please go away.

9 Comments on “a little less conversation, a little more alpha please

  1. I keep trying to tell my alpha that she can be a submissive beta and still be in charge of some things. The things my Alpha gives me to control. But, it is incredibly hard when the Alpha is busy doing important things and the alpha inside of me decides she can run the show. One of the most freeing feelings in the world is when my Alpha smacks me back into my place. Iโ€™m a much happier beta, safe and secure in His protection and guidance.

    Dear alpha, please GTFO. You just complicate things.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I totally get this too, my alpha has been stomping all over the place this week, sheโ€™s a PITA, but probably thinks she needs to be there and is being helpful but…

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I think that you know I can relate to this. The only thing that works for me is to be forced to back down. I need the Dominance to make the alpha part climb down. Either that or else I crash. I can’t sustain it for long until it all falls apart. Hope your little comes skipping in soon ๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I would have been incensed at the Costco as well and might have had to chat with security about my attitude, if no one dragged me put the front door. *cough cough* I make an effort to not lose it in retail establishments but my time is the most precious thing I own.

    Tell your Alpha to quietly sip some tea while she collects her energy for the next move, perhaps?

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Yes! We had spent a total of 1.5 hours trying to purchase this stupid cleaner and i spent time on the phone beforehand making sure they had it. It was SO frustrating. And then the clerk just left me there, standing in the aisle for 15 minutes like an idiot. i am sort of over it now, maybe not.
    My alpha is pinned back into place for now, but i make no promises for the future. ๐Ÿ’ž


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