This week i have been a big grumpy pants. i have had so much to accomplish; cleaning, baking cakes, getting ready for my mother in law to visit, plus hosting a party for my baby’s first birthday. And to top it all off, Lars is traveling all of next week. My alpha has stomped into the picture, bringing her bags of tension and stress with her.
i keep trying to tell myself, “my alpha isn’t welcome here”, as that is what Lars usually tells me, mid paddling, when my alpha decides to come around. But He has been far too busy to deal with me, and the part of me that is the alpha just rants and raves about needing to get things done and stay in control. This mental talk is exhausting and upsetting.
So when we went to the store yesterday looking for carpet cleaning solution, and the clerk said on the phone they had it, but upon arrival they didn’t have it, and the store clerk said he would be right back but never came back, i basically had a meltdown. In the store. In front of a bunch of people. Pretty sure i yelled that i wanted to cancel my Costco membership.
The alpha is a bitch. But for some reason i am unable to fight her off when she marches in. In some ways, having an alpha side is great. It forces me to accomplish things, to focus, and to stay organized. my little side is a bit willy nilly, my alpha side keeps everything in it’s place. Including me, apparently.
It is a challenge to communicate when i feel the way i feel. In my mind i keep remembering Lars will be away, everything is up to me, i have to do it on my own, etc. It makes me resent Him, even though He isn’t doing anything wrong. It’s just my way of mentally preparing for Him to be away. i know it isn’t right. i haven’t actually struggled as hard as i am right now with the fact that he will be away in a long while. But He has been extremely busy with work this week, and i have felt quite ignored. It isn’t His fault. He can’t help it. i am the selfish one here.
i don’t enjoy this alpha crap. It’s like a cyclical argument i have with myself. Be vulnerable, no accomplish things, be sweet, be cold…. be aggressive and standoffish and rude. He doesn’t need me acting like a crazy head while He is working so hard.
alpha, please go away.