In the beginning, oral sex was what we had. It was our way of connecting, without… Connecting all the way. And back then, it was like my eyes had been opened. i loved it so much, and couldn’t get enough. It was probably very one sided, as i think i received much more than i gave. But back then i didn’t know that Lars was a virgin, so i didn’t realize that His sexual experience or lack thereof caused there to be an imbalance in expectations. As our relationship progressed He started asking much more often for blow jobs, to the point where i started feeling really guilty. i felt so guilty because one, i didn’t realize that we were operating on a tit for tat basis, and two, i didn’t realize that it wasn’t just blissfully generous of Him to go down on me. It turned out that He was hoping that His generosity to me would result in generosity from me, and frankly that was not how it went.
The thing is, i have given so many damn blow jobs in my life, in so many places, to people who didn’t fucking deserve it. i had a chip on my shoulder. i had never gotten treated to pleasure the way Lars was treating me, and i basked in it, glorying in the fact that someone loved me enough to just take care of me. i was blind. In some ways i took my anger out on Lars about my previous experiences, deciding that He could wait because i had to wait, and that i didn’t owe Him anything.
There was such freedom in that- it was so empowering and sexy to feel like i didn’t owe Him a damn thing. i could cum and cum and cum and He would just keep coming back to give me more.
Over the years it has become apparent that my attitude about oral sex has been very one sided. The expectation has been that if He does for me, i do for Him. And frankly that doesnt sit well with me. i do not like when people do for me thinking i owe them back. And so, in my own way i have become conditioned to loathe receiving oral sex. It doesn’t matter that we are D/s, that He is supposed to have His way in all things. i can happily give Him a blow job because i want to. But i will never do it because i feel i owe Him.
i get anxious just thinking about receiving oral sex. i can’t do it anymore. The pressure He put on me back in the earlier days makes me resent Him when He offers to do it now. And He gets frustrated and angry about it- because He thinks it is an issue of forgiveness. But really i just cant stand the idea of laying on my back for 40 minutes, my mind rushing, knowing that deep down He has a tally running, and i probably still haven’t caught up.
i am just gonna say it- i hate receiving oral sex. i absolutely hate it. And you know what? i can’t even say i am sorry.