The receiving end

In the beginning, oral sex was what we had. It was our way of connecting, without… Connecting all the way. And back then, it was like my eyes had been opened. i loved it so much, and couldn’t get enough. It was probably very one sided, as i think i received much more than i gave. But back then i didn’t know that Lars was a virgin, so i didn’t realize that His sexual experience or lack thereof caused there to be an imbalance in expectations. As our relationship progressed He started asking much more often for blow jobs, to the point where i started feeling really guilty. i felt so guilty because one, i didn’t realize that we were operating on a tit for tat basis, and two, i didn’t realize that it wasn’t just blissfully generous of Him to go down on me. It turned out that He was hoping that His generosity to me would result in generosity from me, and frankly that was not how it went.

The thing is, i have given so many damn blow jobs in my life, in so many places, to people who didn’t fucking deserve it. i had a chip on my shoulder. i had never gotten treated to pleasure the way Lars was treating me, and i basked in it, glorying in the fact that someone loved me enough to just take care of me. i was blind. In some ways i took my anger out on Lars about my previous experiences, deciding that He could wait because i had to wait, and that i didn’t owe Him anything.

There was such freedom in that- it was so empowering and sexy to feel like i didn’t owe Him a damn thing. i could cum and cum and cum and He would just keep coming back to give me more.

Over the years it has become apparent that my attitude about oral sex has been very one sided. The expectation has been that if He does for me, i do for Him. And frankly that doesnt sit well with me. i do not like when people do for me thinking i owe them back. And so, in my own way i have become conditioned to loathe receiving oral sex. It doesn’t matter that we are D/s, that He is supposed to have His way in all things. i can happily give Him a blow job because i want to. But i will never do it because i feel i owe Him.

i get anxious just thinking about receiving oral sex. i can’t do it anymore. The pressure He put on me back in the earlier days makes me resent Him when He offers to do it now. And He gets frustrated and angry about it- because He thinks it is an issue of forgiveness. But really i just cant stand the idea of laying on my back for 40 minutes, my mind rushing, knowing that deep down He has a tally running, and i probably still haven’t caught up.

i am just gonna say it- i hate receiving oral sex. i absolutely hate it. And you know what? i can’t even say i am sorry.

5 Comments on “The receiving end

  1. Hmmm this is a difficult one Winnie…

    I think there is often an imbalance whether it’s in number of orgasms or oral sex…

    Pre D/s I had been allowed to give MrH 2 blowjobs. He was under the impression that cum in my mouth would make me feel sick as the thought made him feel sick.

    About 18 months before we began D/s he overheard me and a girlfriend talking about blow jobs and he said later he didn’t think it was something women really enjoyed. I said I couldn’t speak for women en mass but I love it. Knowing I have given you pleasure, that you have been able to just enjoy being touched is a nice feeling.

    When we transitioned to D/s it became my treat, and I believe MrH has come to realise that I really do want it and enjoy it- this has led to him enjoying it more too.

    If there was a tally though, I would be way behind, as MrH has always enjoyed giving me oral.

    In your situation it’s a shame that this thinking has put the brakes on something that is ultimately an enjoyable experience. I believe that the men who perform it enjoy doing it – maybe not as much as we do receiving it – but still you say that Lars wants to do it but you resist because of the mental block.

    I hope this post results in a good discussion between you as I want you to be able to put this aside. In my opinion, tit for tat in a marriage is a destructive road, and I urge you to put that thinking firmly behind you and look forward together. Don’t look at how things “used to be” but focus on the now, and now, you should enjoy it when he wants you to and give it when he wants you to for no other reason than it’s how your dynamic is… I doubt he keeps a tally and if he does then he too needs to consider the advice just given.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks Sweetgirl. We have had many conversations about this particular subject, and honestly, i think the feelings i have about receiving oral sex are okay. i think needs change, and this is one of those things i just dont need, or really want. i think that rather than tit for tat, nowadays it is more about the fact that i just really dont want it. But i really appreciate your thoughtful comment.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I used to ‘love it’, then found myself hating it, for a slightly different reason but I do understand what you mean by ‘laying on my back for 40 minutes, my mind rushing’. I’m sorry you’re feeling that way and I know it really used to frustrate the Bear as well. I hope you can settle your mind with time and maybe you can both come back together on this!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oral can be a hard thing to navigate, because it does have a element of reciprocity in it. It is about giving pleasure to another. Not like a back rub or a massage, either.

    Our society has made oral given to a man something as a duty, as way to avoid intercourse or worse yet, an act of with demeaning connotations. How many movies have painted the wife as not giving an oral b/c it is undignified act for a wife to do?
    One of the most used slurs is cocksucker; ‘suck my dick’ is a very common insult.

    I recall when the Clinton scandal came out. I had married friends who kept emphasizing that the sex wasn’t as real, as she was ‘only’ giving him oral and that was what the manstealers do. (Not joking. I thought I had fallen into the Twilight Zone with their rationales. I saw cheating, they saw degrees thereof.)

    I had to make oral be in my mind, an act of caring and sharing, so that I did not feel awkward or used or like a fool. I am not like the enthusiastic actresses who can suck for 30-40 mins at a time, with glee. But I can switch my mind into what he gets out of the act. I go for as long as I feel comfortable, even if he might want longer.

    i hope you have a chance to speak with Lars and gt past this obstacle, very soon. It is just a bump in the road.

    Liked by 1 person

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