in it

i am not normal.

This is what is running in the background of my mind, like 90% of the time. i don’t know where exactly this thought comes from, but it has been there as long as i can remember. It isn’t like i hate myself or anything. Honestly, this season of my life has brought more self love and self care than any other time. It’s just this rampant thought… i am unusual. And in a lot of ways i don’t like that, because i wish i was more mainstream, more self assured. But then i look at the beauty in life and in the world around me, and i appreciate that unusual and unique are interesting and appealing. And that maybe the fact that everyone has different tastes means that being not normal means that i really am normal… it reminds me of a scene from the movie “Garden State”. She says “You’re in it right now”… and i am. i am totally “in it”. i am so “in it” that i sometimes get lost in all of the in-ness. All of my thoughts about my past, and my future, who i am, what people might think of me, what i think of myself. i get so in it that i forget to look around me, to remember to be intentional and present.

When i was a child, i was raised to believe that there was something so inherently wrong with me that i was helplessly pathetic and unlovable. My mother would tell you all the wonderful things she did for me, but her words cut me deeply, and i did everything i could to get attention, even if it was from dangerous sources. i tried to look different, i tried to be as individual and independent as possible. Even now, i catch myself going out of my way to set myself apart. i am very much an introvert, and have never really been able to exist in a group environment. i identify as Pluto, maybe a planet, maybe a moon, tiny and mysterious. It can be really challenging to invent yourself after your roots are developed. Yet here i am, my shovel and i digging up the shit that i have carried all my life, burying fresh new anchors for me to build my life on. It is refreshing, and frightening. It’s funny how opposite i am from the child i once was. The risk taking teenager has become an ever so cautious adult. My type once tall, dark, and dangerous, suddenly is a blonde preacher’s grandson.

This week Lars went and collected several boxes of items my mother had saved from my childhood. i went no contact with my mom a little over 6 months ago. It was really sobering seeing some of the items in these boxes. She had saved a lot of useless nonsense. But she also saved apology notes i had written her, notes written after enduring her abuse. Child me was apologizing for being bad, when i hadn’t done anything wrong. She saved poems and stories i wrote beginning at age 6, where i wrote about not having the will to live (literally word for word what i wrote), and where all the characters died. If my daughter came home with papers saying things like that, i would be so terrified. My mother saved them like a sick trophy. What normal, well cared for child writes fictional stories in which all the characters die? i look at my inner child, the wounded little thing inside of me, and i cry for her, because she was crying out for unconditional love, broken at such a very young age. i think on a deep level, DD/lg may be a coping mechanism for the damage done. i decided to try something new today- i lay in bed and imagined my young self. i took her by the shoulders, looked into her eyes, and told her my adult thoughts on what happened in my youth. Sometimes i tell Lars that i wish i could go back and tell younger me that it gets better. Today i did that, in meditation. And i really think it helped.

i think ultimately we are all different. Not one of us is normal, because normal doesn’t truly exist. The current climate for normal would mean that i am ultra organized, ultra independent, ultra successful, and ultra boring. i admit that i am terrible with independence. Success and beauty are in the eye of the beholder. my preference is to finally embrace and accept myself, quirks, kinks, and scars.

i will leave you with another scene from “Garden State”, that inspires me to keep being weird, different, and unique.

6 Comments on “in it

  1. I’m so glad you were able to process some of this in a way that left you feeling better. I have some things I’d like to tell my younger self, too. Maybe I should meditate and talk to her. She’s in there, for sure. Thanks for sharing 💜

    Liked by 1 person

    • It was a spur of the moment, kind of impulsive thing. i just felt she needed a good talking to.
      And if you haven’t made a habit of telling your babies you love them just the way they are, forever, i think its something every young person should hear regularly.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. There is nothing better than reclaiming ground wrongfully taken from us. There is something soothing to the soul to identify the wrongs done to us, so we can undo the hurt and live full.

    I heartily applaud you for straightening things out and I’m cheering for your progress, every day.

    Liked by 1 person

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