i am not normal.
This is what is running in the background of my mind, like 90% of the time. i don’t know where exactly this thought comes from, but it has been there as long as i can remember. It isn’t like i hate myself or anything. Honestly, this season of my life has brought more self love and self care than any other time. It’s just this rampant thought… i am unusual. And in a lot of ways i don’t like that, because i wish i was more mainstream, more self assured. But then i look at the beauty in life and in the world around me, and i appreciate that unusual and unique are interesting and appealing. And that maybe the fact that everyone has different tastes means that being not normal means that i really am normal… it reminds me of a scene from the movie “Garden State”. She says “You’re in it right now”… and i am. i am totally “in it”. i am so “in it” that i sometimes get lost in all of the in-ness. All of my thoughts about my past, and my future, who i am, what people might think of me, what i think of myself. i get so in it that i forget to look around me, to remember to be intentional and present.
When i was a child, i was raised to believe that there was something so inherently wrong with me that i was helplessly pathetic and unlovable. My mother would tell you all the wonderful things she did for me, but her words cut me deeply, and i did everything i could to get attention, even if it was from dangerous sources. i tried to look different, i tried to be as individual and independent as possible. Even now, i catch myself going out of my way to set myself apart. i am very much an introvert, and have never really been able to exist in a group environment. i identify as Pluto, maybe a planet, maybe a moon, tiny and mysterious. It can be really challenging to invent yourself after your roots are developed. Yet here i am, my shovel and i digging up the shit that i have carried all my life, burying fresh new anchors for me to build my life on. It is refreshing, and frightening. It’s funny how opposite i am from the child i once was. The risk taking teenager has become an ever so cautious adult. My type once tall, dark, and dangerous, suddenly is a blonde preacher’s grandson.
This week Lars went and collected several boxes of items my mother had saved from my childhood. i went no contact with my mom a little over 6 months ago. It was really sobering seeing some of the items in these boxes. She had saved a lot of useless nonsense. But she also saved apology notes i had written her, notes written after enduring her abuse. Child me was apologizing for being bad, when i hadn’t done anything wrong. She saved poems and stories i wrote beginning at age 6, where i wrote about not having the will to live (literally word for word what i wrote), and where all the characters died. If my daughter came home with papers saying things like that, i would be so terrified. My mother saved them like a sick trophy. What normal, well cared for child writes fictional stories in which all the characters die? i look at my inner child, the wounded little thing inside of me, and i cry for her, because she was crying out for unconditional love, broken at such a very young age. i think on a deep level, DD/lg may be a coping mechanism for the damage done. i decided to try something new today- i lay in bed and imagined my young self. i took her by the shoulders, looked into her eyes, and told her my adult thoughts on what happened in my youth. Sometimes i tell Lars that i wish i could go back and tell younger me that it gets better. Today i did that, in meditation. And i really think it helped.
i think ultimately we are all different. Not one of us is normal, because normal doesn’t truly exist. The current climate for normal would mean that i am ultra organized, ultra independent, ultra successful, and ultra boring. i admit that i am terrible with independence. Success and beauty are in the eye of the beholder. my preference is to finally embrace and accept myself, quirks, kinks, and scars.
i will leave you with another scene from “Garden State”, that inspires me to keep being weird, different, and unique.