i can’t control that the package delivery man doesn’t ring the bell when he comes to deliver packages. i can’t control the fact that i can’t call a local number to complain, so am faced with calling an out of country customer support number answered by a woman who doesn’t care. i can’t control that she doesn’t care. i can’t control the fact that now i have to drive 20 minutes after dark to the facility to pick up my package. i can’t control any of it. And the consumerist adult in me says i should have a say. i had control when i chose two day shipping and paid $17 for it. i had control when i sat at the computer picking it out.
What i think i am trying to say (i am processing) is that sometimes i feel like most of my life is out of my control. Because as much as i would love to have total control, that just isn’t possible. And honestly i don’t like my control freak side. When i genuinely don’t have a say, and i want one, i get tantrum-y. i want to stomp my little foot, scream and cry, call and complain to every manager i can, tell Daddy all about how unfair it all is… i even left a message for the CEO of FedEx today.
And as i sit here waiting for a call back, i am wondering if my freak out comes from a place of wanting control, or more from a place of feeling like life is out of control. Like, the idea of little ole me having ultimate control in my marriage and household is frankly absurd. But having to move, the stress from the legal stuff, vacationing away from the kids for the first time, and Lars having to work from 7 am to 11 pm most days is getting to me. It’s wearing me down. It’s making me want to scream in the delivery man’s face.
Is he a lazy sack of crap? Yes he is. Does he do this like one time per week? Yes he does. Are my feelings valid? Yes they are. But if i am honest, not getting my package should be the small stuff that i don’t sweat.
my shoulders feel so tense, my eyes are burning with unshed tears. All because of a delivery gone wrong. But also so much more.
i hope this vacation proves to refresh Daddy and i. And i hope that my weird control freakishness starts to go away soon. 💖