those were the words i gasped out during our most recent scene. They popped into my head unbidden, and i felt instantly mortified. But no matter how hard i pushed myself toward the edge, i couldn’t come without telling Him… i needed it to hurt.
Embracing my masochism has been a tough pill to swallow. i think there are several reasons for this. One being that there is a fine line between abuse and S&M. To be smacked in the face and to also enjoy it feels wrong, and very taboo. Another reason is that sometimes we use impact play and edge play as a way of processing things that happen in our lives, and i have to remind myself that it is different than using pain as an escape, ie it is not self harm. i am not desensitized to the way vanilla people would and probably do view our dynamic, either.
But i pushed past all of my inhibitions, and i desperately cried out to Him that i needed the pain.
The scene we had was a lot for me to process, hence this post. i don’t think i have ever admitted that to Him, especially not mid session. It was really humiliating, really humbling, it took so much trust. Not only that He wouldn’t take it too far and hurt me more than i could handle, but also that He wouldn’t judge me. During the scene, He whipped me harder and longer than He ever has before. He gagged me tighter, and for longer than ever. He was harsher, rougher, and more intense than i have ever experienced. His behavior pushed me deep into subspace.
He made me lay on my tummy, the wand between my thighs, our Lelo in my kitty, and a gag in my mouth, hands bound in front of me, latched to our bed frame. He used His hands, the leather flogger, and the rope flogger. In the past, He has used the rope flogger on me, but He must have gone easy then, because this time it was brutal. The impact was so forceful that my saliva was spraying out around the gag when i screamed. It felt deep and primal.
i woke up wanting Him, and rolled over, sleepily nudging him, saying “fuck me.” He instantly woke, rolling toward me, into me, and we spent the morning entwined. He didn’t wear a condom this time, for the first time in 7 months, and we just felt this closeness that we really hadn’t felt in ages. It isn’t that we haven’t felt close, it’s more that condoms provide a physical barrier that impacts our mental connection during sex. Anyway, that’s what created the energy that led to our scene.
There was such a rawness in me. Our vacation left me feeling like a chapter had closed for us, and today felt like the new beginning i was looking for. The miscarriage left me feeling bereft and confused for so long, and that compounded with the constant interruptions to our sexual encounters for pregnancy prevention turned what should have felt like bliss into an ice bath.
Now that we have been cleared to try again, should we so choose, it feels better. There is so much less worry, we can be spontaneous again. But it’s more than that. Something shattered in both of us, and i am not sure we can tell whose pieces came from who. We are a mish mash of shards, and it feels beautiful now.
i needed Him in ways i haven’t needed Him before. i even asked him to lick me, something i have professed to hate.
We were violently writhing and sweating and fucking and loving. And when it was over i burst into sobs. It was confusing, and cathartic, and wonderful. Through my tears i reassured him, “it isn’t bad”. He smiled and said he knew, caressing my reddened cheeks, pulling out of me, and helping me shower. It felt kind of wimpy and cheesey to be crying, but it was necessary, and we ended the evening with lots of TLC, cuddles, kisses and snacks.
It’s funny how this love we share teaches us new things. If you would have told me when i was 18 that i would marry the love of my life, that we would have babies, and a home, and a dog, and a beautiful life, (and a BDSM lifestyle) i would have laughed in your face. i don’t think i ever really thought i would make it to this point. i don’t think i even knew this kind of unconditional, abiding love or joy existed. i can’t wait to see what we learn next.