It’s officially been one year since my own personal hell began. i am trying to look at it as a fresh start, that now that the year has ended, a new one can begin. And maybe that is a good attitude for healing, but it’s too optimistic to immediately adopt. Because while it might be over, it still happened. And it changed me. It changed us. Until recently, we haven’t been able to do impact play, we weren’t medically cleared to have penetrative sex, i wasn’t even allowed to have an orgasm. i was on blood thinners for most of that time, which made me fragile and fearful of the slightest bump or bruise. i took for granted all of the fun we had before the last year happened. He conditioned me, my inner masochist came out to play, and then it was all ripped away because of miscarriages and medical problems, and moving across country. i jokingly told Him that we could work around not being able to have a sexual or physical relationship, that we could enforce our rules and rituals in other creative ways. But the fact of the matter is that i can’t have one without the other. Some people may be able to, but after so many years together, living the way we did, it didn’t work. We moved 17 hours across country, and once we unpacked, we looked at what surrounded us and felt like everything was strange. New, but strange. Brick by brick, we are trying to rebuild. Trying to figure out what scars to bury, and what makes us who we are. This is hard. It’s hard to need and crave it all so much, only to have to tamp it down. i spent so much time in self denial, that i am having to relearn almost everything. The year is over. We can start again. But my heart doesn’t feel any less broken yet. My life doesn’t feel any less empty. i am fighting to be resilient, to shore myself up to resemble what i once was. But i look in the mirror and i don’t even recognize myself. i am sure i will get there. But for now i guess i will be content with knowing that the worst is over.
Don’t take your life, your partner, your experiences for granted. Don’t overlook the good that you have because you think you want or need more. Sometimes it’s okay to just look at what surrounds you, and be okay with that. At least, that’s what i tell myself. It’s the only thing that is getting me by.